Agile Body Snatchers

(joke) Agile reminds me of an old movie called Invasion of the Body Snatchers, where people were replaced with aliens that looked just like them.

It’s almost like software engineers have been replaced with people thinking the exact opposite of the way they thought before.

Don’t believe me? Before, Agile programmers hated meetings, and they probably only had one meeting a week or two, maybe less.

With Agile, programmers have now accepted not 1 meeting, not 2 meetings, but 13 meetings in two weeks! Like I said, it’s like the opposite aliens took over. You have your sprint planning, grooming, reveal, and oh, let’s not forget the 10 scrum meetings.

Before Agile, developers hated being asked about their status. Of course, now, we have those 10 daily scrum meetings per sprint to solve that. I know, I know, they are not status meetings (wink). It’s like the opposite people are inhabiting your bodies.

What do programmers do all day? You know. Sit and code. And what do they ask you to do in Scrum? Stand up! Still don’t think opposite aliens have inhabited programmers yet? Still not enough evidence for you?

Before Agile, programmers hated deadlines. There would be a deadline once a release. Now, you have accepted deadlines every two weeks for sprints!

Before Agile, QA and development were more separated. Now, they work together. Even more opposites.

So if this is all made up, and it’s not alien body snatchers, why did people related to the Agile process have to say it’s friendly with the term the three amigos?

More opposites. A lot of developers, let’s be honest, mostly just code and don’t have time for sports. So what they do is steal the rugby term “scrum.” There are more terms you have heard of, like “swarm,” which may be taken from lacrosse.

So we are comparing this idea of people who are not who they once were, like aliens. If aliens were to have thought up this concept, what terms might they use? Hmm . . . Velocity and Burn-Down might come to mind. Coincidence?

Here, we are talking about having people basically cloned and, of course, what term do you hear with Agile? Pair programming. Coincidence?

It’s almost like up doesn’t mean up, down doesn’t mean down . . . Oh wait, done doesn’t mean done. Now, you have to say, “Done done done.”

So you know if there were aliens, they would probably even play some alien games. You know, different from the rest of the human race. Oh, wait, you play Planning Poker. Hmm . . .

Still don’t believe it? These body snatchers have made you liars. What do little kids get told at bedtime? Of course, stories. I know what you are thinking. Stories have more than one meaning. They could be fiction or non-fiction. But of course, they go and estimate them in another word for lies: Fibs! So I know what they meant by stories.

Still don’t believe me? Lots of villains, some aliens, liked to be called this. For example, in Star Wars, what did Darth Vader call the emperor? That’s right, Master. And of course, we have Scrum Master in Agile. What does that make you?

So I know now that probably every one of you has been taken over.

You know, maybe it’s not body snatchers or clones. Maybe they can take over your mind with just a thought that could explain all of this.

This reminds me. Before Agile, most projects were late, and now, not so much. So maybe this whole body snatcher, clone, mind-control thing isn’t so bad.

Oh crap, I’m late for Scrum. Bye, amigos! And now, I’m “done done done.”

From the book Essential Software Development Career + Technical Guide on Amazon (with permission).