I Built a Tool That Automatically Roasts Your Teammate Every Time They Use AI or Lose a Hackathon

$ dave-watch --target="[email protected]" --hackathon-feed=devpost



👀 dave-watch is running. Watching Dave.

   (Dave does not know he is being watched.)

   (This will not take long.)



[09:14] ✅ No activity. Dave is in a meeting explaining

           why last sprint's tickets aren't done.



[09:47] 🚨 AI COMMIT DETECTED

        Commit: "refactor user service (cleanup)"

        Author: Dave <[email protected]>

        Red flags found: 7

          • Docstring begins with "Certainly! Here's the..."

          • 3 nested try/catch blocks that all do the same thing

          • A comment that says "This is O(n log n) I think"

          • Variable: 'optimized_and_clean_final_v2_FINAL'

          • Dave pushed this 4 minutes after opening the file



        🎤 ROAST: "Dave asked an AI to write his code,

                   then asked a different AI to review it,

                   then asked Slack to explain the review.

                   Dave is a middle manager who learned to git push."



[11:30] 🚨 HACKATHON RESULT DETECTED

        Event:     HackIndia Regional 2025

        Teams:     18

        Dave's team placed: 17th

        Team above Dave: A solo 19-year-old who built

                         a Chrome extension that makes

                         fonts slightly more italic.

        Dave's post-mortem: "We were too ambitious"



        🎤 ROAST: "Dave's team had 4 people, a Figma file

                   with 38 screens, and a microservices

                   architecture for an app that showed

                   the weather. They did not show the weather.

                   They showed a loading spinner. For 3 minutes.

                   Then the tab crashed."



[14:02] ✅ No activity. Dave is on LinkedIn writing a post

           about 'lessons learned' from the hackathon.

           Dave has used the phrase 'fail forward' twice.

           Dave is not failing forward. Dave is failing sideways.

# dave-watch.py

# Requirements: git, python3, devpost scraper, zero mercy



import subprocess

import time

import random



AI_TELLS = [

    "Certainly! Here",

    "As an AI language model",

    "I hope this helps!",

    "Here's the refactored",

    "optimized_and_clean_final",

    "# This function does",      # nobody writes this naturally

    "handle error here",

    "TODO: fix this later",

    "it works on my machine",

]



HACKATHON_ROASTS = [

    "Dave's team had a pitch deck with 22 slides. Slide 1 was the title. Slide 22 was 'Thank You'. The 20 slides in between were the vision. There was no product.",

    "Dave came to the hackathon with a pre-built template, renamed the variables, and called it a pivot. The judges called it something else.",

    "Dave's README had a 'Getting Started' section. Step 1 was 'Install Node.js'. There was no Step 2. The app did not start.",

    "Dave lost to a team who had never coded before. Their app crashed on launch. The judges said it had 'more soul'.",

    "Dave described his tech stack as 'scalable, cloud-native, and AI-powered'. It was a Google Form connected to a spreadsheet.",

]



AI_ROASTS = [

    "Dave has not written an original line of code since 2023. This is not an insult. This is a git log.",

    "Dave uses AI to write the code, AI to review the code, and AI to explain the code to himself. Dave is a project manager now. Dave does not know this.",

    "Dave copied the AI output, ran it, it failed, pasted the error back into the AI, copied the fix, and called this 'debugging'. Dave has been doing this for 4 hours. Dave will not read the error message himself.",

    "Dave's variable names are full sentences. This is because he copied the AI explanation and forgot to stop copying.",

    "The AI wrote a comment saying 'you may want to handle this edge case'. Dave deleted the comment. Dave did not handle the edge case.",

]



def check_latest_commit_for_ai(repo_path, target_email):

    result = subprocess.run(

        ["git", "log", "-1", "--author", target_email,

         "--pretty=format:%H", "-p"],

        cwd=repo_path, capture_output=True, text=True

    )

    output = result.stdout

    flags = [tell for tell in AI_TELLS if tell.lower() in output.lower()]

    return flags



def watch(target_email, repo_path, check_interval=300):

    print(f"👀 dave-watch is running. Watching {target_email}.")

    print(f"   (They do not know they are being watched.)")

    print(f"   (This will not take long.)\n")



    seen_commits = set()



    while True:

        flags = check_latest_commit_for_ai(repo_path, target_email)



        commit_hash = subprocess.run(

            ["git", "log", "-1", "--author", target_email,

             "--pretty=format:%H"],

            cwd=repo_path, capture_output=True, text=True

        ).stdout.strip()



        if flags and commit_hash not in seen_commits:

            seen_commits.add(commit_hash)

            print(f"🚨 AI COMMIT DETECTED")

            print(f"   Red flags: {', '.join(flags)}")

            print(f"\n   🎤 ROAST: {random.choice(AI_ROASTS)}\n")



        time.sleep(check_interval)



if __name__ == "__main__":

    watch(

        target_email="[email protected]",

        repo_path=".",

        check_interval=300

    )